Rules for choosing a pet

I am writing this after hearing about that chimpanzee attack that resulted in the death of a woman in Connecticut. You might think that it probably escaped from a zoo, but you are wrong. It was actually the pet chimpanzee of her friend that killed the woman. Apparently, there are 15000 families in the US with primates as house pets. If these people would just read the checklist below, they wouldn't have any problems with their pets.

1) Is the pet bigger than you? If so, you probably shouldn't have it as a pet because animals generally regard smaller animals as prey. Also, imagine how much you would have to feed it everyday.

2) Could the pet survive without you? If the answer is yes, then it probably a wild animal and won't warm to you anyways.

3) Is the animal capable of showing affection? See, cats and dogs are perfect for this because they are soft and cuddly (to humans) and have expressions recognizable by humans. Parrots are also good because they can tell you they love you etc. Reptiles are generally bad for this because no matter how much a snake sprays its love pheromones, you are not going to pick up on them.

4) Would a predator bother eating your pet? If the answer is no, then it probably has some defense mechanism you don't want to get on the wrong end of. Why bother with a turtle? Every time you get close, it's going to hide in its shell. (Sorry, I had a bad experience with turtles)

5) If the animal escaped, would they ruin the local ecosystem? If yes, the animal is too exotic and probably expensive as well.

6) Do Asian people eat this animal? Sorry, just had to throw that one in. Seriously though, its not going to narrow down the list for you so move on to the next one.

7) How does the animal reproduce? If you are getting a pet rabbit, make sure you only get one because those things increase exponentially. Money however, does not. If your animal reproduces asexually, you've probably just killed it right now by looking at it through a microscope.

In conclusion, humans have bred dogs and cats to be good pets throughout our history. Leave the chimpanzees in their natural habitat and adopt a dog or cat instead. Besides, dogs and cats don't have to wear diapers.